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A few weeks ago, I was at dinner in a casual outdoor cafe when the large extended family at a nearby table got my attention. Two of the young boys — about 5 or 6 years old — had evidently gotten into a fight, and both had bandages on their hands, elbows, knees and faces. The bandages were starting to come loose, and the boys were working up the nerve to pull them off. What I saw was not only an interesting contrast in parenting, but a fascinating example of leadership development.
I listened as one father became disappointed that his son could not or would not remove the bandage. It was clear that the adhesive’s stickiness to the skin encouraged caution and even fear. The first dad just pulled the bandages off while the child screamed and fretted.
The other father took a very different approach — not nearly as efficient as dad number one. He asked his son: “Do you think it is time for the bandages to come off?” The boy nodded cautiously. The father continued, “Do you want my help, or do you want to do it yourself?” The boy was clear: He did not want the kind of help he had witnessed from the other dad.
His father smiled warmly and said, “I think it is better to do it quickly, instead of slowly. But since you have three bandages, you can try one of each way first, and then decide what you prefer.” Intently, the boy tried the quick-pull strategy. After three unsuccessful tries, he was getting frustrated.
The father patiently asked the boy if he wanted help, and encouraged him when he insisted he wanted to do it for himself. The dad smiled, and said, “The good thing about going slow is that you get used to it. The bad thing is that you must do it twice since there are two sticky parts. What do you think? Fast … or slow?” The youngster peeled up one end of the plaster, took a grip and pulled. While he was not exactly sanguine about it, you could tell he was proud. The other bandages were off in less than a minute.
So, one dad was efficient, and while his son is not likely to be traumatized for life, he certainly did not develop any personal courage or tenacity from the experience. Another learned not only what he could do, but more importantly, he learned he could trust his father when he needed help.
While employees are not our children, a hierarchical structure does project a parental role onto the boss. The strategy we take to guide direct reports and staff through challenges determines whether we are helping them solve challenges and develop new skills.
The first dad was not purposefully mean; he was just more focused on getting the task done than encouraging his child’s independence.
This week, observe what you are focused on and ask yourself whether it steers you toward your long-term goals or short-term efficiencies. Sometimes, the near-term outcome is critical. But often, it is just easier for the boss and a missed development opportunity for all concerned.
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